I want to call you North
So when the wind blows my way
And the storms come in
I have someone to blame
I want to call you Orange
So when I write a poem about you
And the rhythm doesn't work
I'll have an excuse not to rhyme
I want to call you TwentyFour
So when the days get too long
And the minutes stretch on
I can count off the hours 'til you
I want to call you MyDog
So when I say hes missing
And put up wanted posters
People will think Im still sane
I want to call you Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
So that when I'm feeling lonely
And I've no one left to talk to
I can let your syllables fill up the room
I want to call you Sunshine
So when the rain comes pouring in
And the streets begin to flood
I won't be the only one waiting for you
I want to call you Boyfriend
So when conversations turn strange
And I can't stop repeating your name
They'll think that I'm in love and not just unhinged
I just want to call you
So I can hear your voice again















Critiques
You have a strong start to every stanza that makes whoever is reading it want to know why and throughout the poem, every stanza grows stronger, closer to home, and holds more meaning. The farther you read, the more you can relate to it, so the orginization of the poem is simply fantastic.
The Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious verse was the one that really blew my mind. The imagery was fantastic and I went through a series of relative flashbacks
The only real critque I can provide is that I think the last stanza doesn't have as much umph as the rest of the poem. Does that make any sense? :/ but I can't think of any way to improve on it that would maintain the flow or the poem and the same closeout that the current one provides
I'll let you know if I can think of one though
It's twee but manages to skirt around cliche with some wonderfully unique ideas.
The only change I would make is:
- Clean up the double space lines.
- Remove the italics and bold -- you don;t need it because your words are strong enough on their own.
- I would tweak the second to last stanza by changing the word "think" for "know" and ending that line with the word crazy.
Let the reader fill in the rest of the words with the imagery you invoke.
Also, do you have another word for crazy? Something more personal? For example, I use the word "loopy" for crazy. Changing this word for something a bit more esoteric would be in keeping with the rest of the poem.
Well done and thank you for a great read
Previous PageNext PageThank you for your Critique
You are not logged in.